As I was getting in bed, she said, “You’re drunk.”
I said, “How do you know?”
She said, “You live next door.”

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef.

I told the doctor’s receptionist I need an appointment.
“How about 10 tomorrow?” she asked.
“I don’t need that many,” I replied.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo this morning…
Now I feel like a good boy.

Sometimes, when you are sad, no one sees your sadness…
Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears…
Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile…
Sometimes, when you laugh, no one sees your happiness…
But fart only just once…

I sat up all night wondering what happened to the Sun, but then it dawned on me.

After the customer announced that she had a nut allergy, the restaurant manager had no other options but to replace her current waiter.

What did the man say to the tornado?
I’m so high right now

What did the potato tell the other potato?
“Hey! Nice Jacket”

Who is smarter, you or your dog?
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works… If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

Q: What did the guy say when he walked into the bar?
A: Ouch

Why do people say “I’m running late” when they’re actually driving to get there??

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

The Chicken and the Egg are laying in bed enjoying a smoke, the chicken turns over and says well.. that answers that old question..”

It is truly said that children brighten a home – they never turn the lights off.

– Knock, Knock!
– Who’s there?
– Boo
– Boo who?
– Don’t cry it’s only a joke

What do you call a rabbit?
– Stu

food for thoughts

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
• Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

Two eggs got into a fight. It got a bit heated and it ended up in a scramble.

Two crazy people walking past a mirror. The first one says: “Hey, I know this guy”
And the other one “Let me see. Oh yeah, it’s me”

Q. What did the digital
clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!

“why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous place? There’s a zebra crossing just a few yards up the road” said the policeman.
Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am, said the pedestrian.

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
The man looked at him. “When did what happen?

”What did the Earth say to the Earthquake?
You’re cracking me up

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s alright now!

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”

The teacher asked little Peter; “If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?”
” Big Hands, ” said Peter.

Two cannibals eating a clown. “Do you think he tastes funny?”

Why don’t cannibals eat sprinters?
Because they don’t like fast food

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky.
The bartender says ” Sorry we don’t serve spirits after 11″

Thought for the day….
‘I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!‘

Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. “So, did you enjoy the film?” The goat replied, “To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.”

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said: “Call for backup.”

Did you see on the news…
This 102 years old lady that still doesn’t need glasses?
She drinks straight out of the bottle :-]

Two angels are talking:
– What the weather will be like tomorrow?
– Cloudy.
– Oh! Great, we’ll be able to sit down

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?”
The vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you,” he said.“I’ve been lost for three days.” “Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; “I just lost 10 pounds!”
His friend says; “Turn around; I think I found them!”

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

Why was the glowworm unhappy?
Because her children were not very bright!

EVER WONDER
–
– Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
–
– Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
–
– Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
–
– Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
–
– Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
–
– Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
–
– Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
–
– Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
–
– Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
–
– Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
–
– When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
–
– Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
–
– Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
–
– You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
–
– Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
–
– Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
–
– If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
–
– If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses…
He said no but he had told a donkey to #*&* off once.

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give Me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster.

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. go for it.’

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. “I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.” “Okay,” the patient said. “Can I get your opinion when you’re sober?”

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!

• Why is ‘separated’ in one word and ‘all together’ in two words?
• Why is ‘abreviation’ such a long word?
• Why do kamikases wear helmets?
• In case of a nuclear war could the electromagnetism do any damage to my video tapes?
• Why can’t I find any mouse flavoured cat food?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon how can they stick it on a frying pan?
• Why do ballerinas always walk on the tip of their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to employ taller ballerinas?
• I want to buy a new boomerang. How can I get rid of the old one?
• Why do businesses open 24 hours a day have locks on their doors?
• If Superman was so inteligent, why would he wear his undies on the outside?
• People say that only 10 persons in the world could understand Einstein. Nobody understands me, does that mean I am a genius?
• When a car is in motion does the air inside the tyres spins?
• If a cat always falls on its paws and a buttered piece of toast always fall on the buttered side, what happens if we drop a cat with a buttered piece of toast tied to its back?
• On a space shuttle traveling at the speed of light, do the headlights work?

Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”

Phone answering machine message”…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,itsank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

One cannibal to the other. “I hate her guts!” “Just eat the vegies then.”