Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said; “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?”
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I though I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean.”
“No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.”

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Amanpreet: What would you do in a case like this?” Preet pondered for a second and answered, “I guess I’d limp, too.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross eyed? ” “No, because he’s really heavy”.

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. “I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.” “Okay,” the patient said. “Can I get your opinion when you’re sober?”

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control
pills.
Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?”
Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.
“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks.
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”

Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

A woman must enter urgently to the hospital. She asks her husband to bring comfortable linen and underclothing. Her husband asks her: “Darling, how am I supposed to know what you find comfortable? – Easy. Open the draw and take an underwear. Look at it, and imagine that I am wearing it. If that makes you smile, put it back in the drawer.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling. “I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM!!!! The beaver drops dead in front of him”. “That’s impossible!”, says the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver”. The Doctor says, “My point exactly.”

A lady walks into the chemist and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?” The lady says “To kill my husband.” “I can’t sell you any for that reason.” says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife. He looks at the photo and says “Oh, pardon me, I didn’t realise you had a prescription.”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”.