Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.
It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
After the movie, the man approaches the dog’s owner, “Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!”
“Yes, I can’t believe it myself,” came the reply. “He hated the book.”

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Who is smarter, you or your dog?
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works… If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

The Chicken and the Egg are laying in bed enjoying a smoke, the chicken turns over and says well.. that answers that old question..

What do you call a rabbit?
Stu

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The drunk replies, “That’s not a lion! It’s a giraffe.”

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

Energy and water saving dishwasher

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?”
The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”

“Hi, police department? I’ve lost my cat and …
“Sorry lady, this is not a police job, we are too busy…
“But you don’t understand… this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human.
He can practically talk.”
“Well, you’d better hang up, lady. He may be trying to call you right now.”

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said,”Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied “a burger and a coke.” “And you?” “I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. “That will be $4.50,” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
“The usual?” she asked. “No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”
“Me too.” says the ostrich. They finish and pay. “That will be $10.95”
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”
“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.” Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”
“I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.” “Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?” “Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross eyed? ” “No, because he’s really heavy”.

 WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

• ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.
• MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
• GRANDPA In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
• ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
• KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
• SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
• CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
• FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
• BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
• EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
• THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

A sign that you might be driving too fast

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can’t tell them apart again. She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them. She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”.

If a cat always falls on its paws and a buttered piece of toast always fall on the buttered side, what happens if we drop a cat with a buttered piece of toast tied to its back?

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says okay, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. “So, did you enjoy the film?” The goat replied, “To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.”

This man is walking down the street with a girl on his shoulders. His mate asks him: “what’s with the girl on your shoulders?”.
“Oh! I’m going to a fancy dress party.”
“Dressed as what?”
“Dressed as a snail.”
“As a snail?”
“yeah! I’m the snail and that’s Michelle” … (me shell)

What did the angry duck tell the other duck? I am going to quack you one.

A man at the zoo near the monkeys enclosure. “Where are the monkeys?” “Well! it’s the mating season and the monkeys spend most of their time inside.” “Oh! Do you think that if I throw a few peanuts in the yard they’ll come out???” “Would you?…”

Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Oulala 

Yes! Chinese do eat dogs! Here’s the proof!!