New book
I’m reading an incredibly interesting book about anti gravity.
“I just can’t put it down.”
I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn’t buy it it just appeared….
I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic’s book…
I was going to buy “The power of Positive Thought”, but what’s the point..
I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I couldn’t be bothered to go to the store and buy it.
I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden but it was full of crap.
I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until tomorrow….or maybe the day after.
I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

A priest and a cab driver went to heaven.
The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house.
The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds.
The priest asked St. Peter, “Hey I was a priest, how come I don’t get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?”
St. Peter said, “We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed.”

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the old people’s home one day when Tim turned to the other and said “John I’m really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?”
John replied “I feel just like a new born baby”
Tim looked at him startled “A new born baby, really?”
“Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

I finally received my tax return for 2012 back from the ATO. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents.” I replied: 1 million illegal immigrants; 1 million crack heads; 4 million people on Centrelink support, 1 million people in over 50 prisons; and 5000 persons in the Australian Federal and State Parliaments, plus 1 useless Prime Minister.” Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said “I don’t know how to use this.” She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. It was a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said “Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”

What’s written in Italian buses ?
– Don’t speak to the driver, he needs his hands.

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Australian (both guys), a young blonde lady, and a little old Swiss lady.
The train goes through a tunnel, and a few seconds later there’s the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blond in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him, but missed, and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Kiwi again.

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

A guy talking with his mate. “How come you are wearing a red sock and a black sock.
“Don’t start me on that… I have a similar pair at home”

What did the Earth said to the Earthquake?
You’re cracking me up

Another way to tell your neighbours how you feel about them

Knock knock, who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke.

What did Santa said to his wife?
It looks like rain dear.